I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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