You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
