I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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