Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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