just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize