Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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