i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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