she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
