i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize