Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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