I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize