i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
