i don't like sucking hair
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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