I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
