woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
