Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
