never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
