I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
