thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
then he tried to convert me to islam
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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