I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
