he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
