3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
