chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
