I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
