woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
