You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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