I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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