I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
