tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
