I am puke
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize