You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
