Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize