turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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