Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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