On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this boner is exhausting
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
