I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
