no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
