I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize