I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
