you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize