yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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