you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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