I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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