WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
