Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
