I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
