Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
