I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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