Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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