That's intense
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
