You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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