If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
