I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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