we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
