3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
