Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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