O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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