6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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