There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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