matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
