she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I did not marry a roomba.
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