I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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