just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
