Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
