My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
there is glitter all over my balls
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
