the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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