Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
